My life period of living with roommates didn't last very long. Some people do great with it. I did not. They were annoying. They were loud. They were messy and inconsiderate and generally lacking in common sense.
I had no patience for that. Grow up.
The other day I was hiding in the bathroom, staring at my dwindling toilet paper supply, and missing hairbrushes, trying to ignore the banging on the door telling me to come out. It occurred to me that I had been here before. The laughter gave me strength.
So enjoy, and I hope that like me, you are able to laugh at my pain.
20 Insanely True (and hilarious) Roommate/ Child Comparisons
1. They borrow your stuff without permission.
You know that favorite shirt, or your hair straightener? Or even your loofah and expensive body wash? You think you know where it is, but you don't. It surely isn't where you left it. I literally walked in on Spawn #3, Miss Princess Perfect, Hayro
, IN MY ROOM strapping my bra onto her little 4 year old frame. While I calmly explained that it wasn't her size and asked for it back, she shrieked and screamed about how she NEEDED it for her outfit and pinched her nipples, trying to rip them off of her chest, with the explanation of, "Seeeee?! I do have boobs!" I'd play a sad song for her, but I can't seem to find my Ipod......
2. They use A LOT of utilities and stick you with the bill.
You sound like your parents, or your grandparents. You sheriff around the house, turning off lights and t.v.'s. Close the fridge! When the bill comes in double the normal amount, well, it's not their fault. A few long showers that used all the hot water were
necessary after they had a looonnnggg day. One little light did NOT make that much difference, and really, how dare you enter
their room and turn off
their stuff. Have you never heard of privacy? They needed that light on all day because, well, having it off made them trip over their crap scattered over the floor....Which brings us to....
3. They are MESSY.
Do you value order? Do you like being able to walk in the dark safely? Well, close your eyes and get a walking stick. Cleanliness is fleeting. Getting dressed results in piles of clothing that would rival Kim K. Sorting color baskets in the laundry room is open to interpretation. Toilet paper rolls are allergic to trashcans. New toilet paper rolls hide from their drastic overuse, sometimes not even emerging until you coax them out of hiding. You find your missing Ipod flushed down the toilet, which is why it's clogged. Dishes have a strange similarity to a Jenga pile about to topple. Leftovers from last week are welded to the table. There are so many cups on the table, you'd swear a game of beer pong was about to be underway. You suddenly have Katt Williams flashbacks, and wonder if you're really just a rat that thinks it's human....
4. They're loud.
It is not quiet unless they are gone. You know they have arrived by the brief panic that an earthquake is underway. The pictures on the wall are in danger of falling. You hear a warning siren, only to realize it is
them. They are back, from wherever land they were waging war on. There is no inside voice. It is non-stop. Their laughter grates your nerves, you can be in the middle of the most important thing in your life and they will keep repeating themselves, louder and louder until you look at them. When the t.v. is on, they test sound barriers. If you shout at them to please keep it down, they turn it up,yelling, "Turn down for what?!" When they have company, you wonder if they have adopted an elephant. Do we need a license for that?? You pray the neighbors don't call the police and seriously consider never stepping foot outside again. You don't want to be associated with THAT loudness.
5. It's never their turn to do the dishes, or the trash, or any other chore for that matter.
You have done a load of dishes everyday. You clean when you cook. You place your dishes neatly in the sink after you're finished with them. And then you make the mistake of reminding them it's their turn. OMG. They like, just did them yesterday! They haven't even used most of the dishes in the sink! What do you do all day, that you just pile dishes and then treat them like a maid? You should be paying them for this. It's ridiculous. They've even been eating out for like, the whole year! (as evidenced by the welded food on the table, the bags still in their rooms, and the group of McDonald's cups on the table) It wasn't like they
asked you to cook food for them. The trash is overflowing. Little pieces of paper stare up at the trashcan from the floor, like some tourist at the Great Pyramid. Again, you are so unreasonable for stating it's their turn to take out the trash. They're fine with their Walmart bag on the back of their door for trash, why can't you just calm down? If they had their
owwwn place, it would be spotless, because
YOU wouldn't be there to make the mess.
6. They eat all your food.
You're starving, and exhausted. Thank goodness you bought those hot pockets for days like this. You reach into the box, anticipating the garlicky goodness, and keep reaching. You wave your hand around. Strange. It's empty. You pull out the empty box and balance it on the trashcan. You'll just make a sandwich then. But no, the bread is just a folded up bag next to the toaster still plugged in, complete with the butter next to it and tiny breadcrumbs all over the counter. You check your wallet and stare dejectedly into the abyss. Your only options left are to thaw out something frozen and cook it an hour later, when the hunger pangs are racking you, or pretend that bowl of cereal is what you wanted all along. Oh wait, the milk jug is empty.....
7. They eat your secret stash.
Everyone, and I mean
everyone, has their vice. That secret little lover that puts the gleam in their eyes and the smirk on their face. The one you tiptoe away, stealth mode, to go have a five minute rendezvous in the closet with. The thought of it makes you giddy with anticipation. M and M's, Skittles, packs of gum, bottles of rum... to each his or her own. But they find it. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It does not matter where you hide it. I once hid something in my boot, and it was gone when I went to sneak a little chocolate time in. They NEVER know what happened to it, the person you saw was a doppelganger. The chocolate on their face is from lunch and the wrappers on their floor have simply materialized. If you catch them mid-steal, the explanation is simple: They were hungry, it was there for the taking. Perhaps if you bought tastier food, they wouldn't have to eat your ENTIRE bag of Reece's. The fact that it was in your underwear drawer is beside the point. The only solution is to eat in the store and savor the flavor.
8. They pass gas and do other gross stuff with no remorse.
Farting is nasty, so is burping. Yes, it's natural, but so is poop and you don't want to see that either. There's nothing quite like enjoying a movie, eating dinner, when the person next to you lets one rip. You look at their laughing face, and the smell hits you. You now know what they have eaten today, and you are appalled. All the Spawns burp like there is no tomorrow, and Hayro has taken to farting on people as much as possible. They think it is the funniest thing, and my laser stare and admonishments about being a lady only garnish a reply of ,"WHAAAT? I couldn't help it." These moments stink, literally.
9. They take over the t.v.!
Do you know that Snooki has 2 kids now? Or that Robin Thicke had an affair
last year? How about the fact that Nick Cannon and Mariah are divorced now?! I didn't until recently. I've never seen an episode of Duck Dynasty. I get my info by glancing at the front pages of the entertainment magazines as I buy the food they eat but don't like. I'm still on the first season of Once Upon a Time, that should say something, We have NFL ticket, and have seen one, ONE, game all season. But I know what Teen Titan is up to. Peppa Pig is one smart pickle. My Little Pony always learns a lesson on friendship. And Dora is ROCKIN that new do. I may not know if Selena and Justin are back together, but I know what she's up to on the Disney Channel. My favorite shows have been placed on the back burner, because if I change it to what I want to watch, I get to hear them bitch for hours. And then they bring in something that makes noise until I give up and go hide in the bathroom.
10. They take over the radio.
You know that hit new song that every ones talking about? No, you don't. You fantasize about listening to songs that YOU want to listen to. When you are listening to a good song, they either turn it, or inform you how stupid the song is and list the reasons they don't like it. They talk over your song until you give up and change it to what they want. In our car, we have the Frozen CD. (Thanks Grandpa) It is on repeat. We listen to it back to back, the entire car ride. EVERY. EFFING. TIME. If you focus on how much you
don't want to listen to their music, you will jump out of the moving vehicle. So what do you do? Just
let it go....
11. They take over the HOUSE.
You have things. You put your things where you like them. It is functional and organized, and oh so perfect where you put it. But then THEY decide it would be better
here. It gets moved. Suddenly you can't find it. Where has it gone?? You have no idea. What you can find, is all their crap. Their shoes are literally in a pile by the front door. Their jacket is on the kitchen chair. Their books are on the table. At least you have the solace of your own bedroom.
Not. No territory is sacred to them. You lay in your bed and jump back up because a T-Rex has just ripped into the flesh of your back. A Barbie is watching you pee. There is a napkin with you-don't-even-want-to-know on it, right in the middle of your floor. Hair and make-up stations bleed out of the bathroom into the living room, and trails of clothing mark their path through the house, in case they get lost and need to find their way back to their rooms.
12. They trash your car.
My old roommate used to keep overnight necessities in her car just in case. Standard stuff, you know... Straightener, small suitcase of make-up, an outfit for every scenario possible, matching shoes to each outfit, feminine products, jumper cables, fix-a-flat, just the basics.... Yesterday I made the mistake of glancing towards the back of our SUV. I saw the bright pink silk activity bag, crumpled, empty on the floor. Colors (mostly broken), color books, tablets, chargers, movies, multiple pairs of shoes, old take out bags, even a glass cup from the kitchen.... I could only stare and wonder, "WTF is all of this doing in here?" I look around and the only thing I see that I've contributed to the mess is my coffee cup I was drinking out of that day, and the yellow folder of important papers. I wanted to cry....
13. They use all your gas money.
This one is a short explanation: Roommates borrow the car and use it until it runs out of gas, and don't put any in. Kids
make you drive them everywhere, places that you don't even want to go to. How much fun is spending half a tank going to dentists, doctors, and the store to buy
them new clothes! WOO!
14. If they find out you have ANY money, they ask to borrow it.
The hand is constantly out. Even if they have a job, you apparently look quite similar to some obscenely rich celebrity. If you say you're broke, they reveal an unnerving knowledge of the state of your bank account. If you say there is no money in your wallet, they happily show you that you do. They will ALWAYYSS pay you back, although the specific meaning of always, is never. The loan is always for something that will enhance their life and independence, and if you give them the money this one little time, they will
never ask for anything again. Until tomorrow, that is...
15. You don't understand, because if you did, you wouldn't even be talking to them about this!
Clearly, you truly don't understand their plight. You can claim to know how stressful a job is, or school, but c'mon, if you REEEAAALLLY got it, you wouldn't be adding to their stress and problems by telling them they still have to own up to their responsibilities. Just how insensitive are you?!
16. They bring home pets that you wind up taking care of.
Your roommate falls in love with that teacup Yorkie that she just HAD TO HAVE. She spent $500 of her bill money on it, but you
totally understand right? After the newness wears off, you're having to train it not to chew your patent leather heels and pee on your pillows....Ten years later, you're staring at a stray puppy the kids have drug in, much to the stray cats dismay. They're promising they'll take care of it (they won't) and feed it every day (which you will be paying for, and they also won't). They'll take it on walks (they won't) and they'll train it (they won't). You'll never even know it's there (you will) and when you do, the animal will be so good, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it (easily).
17. When they have company, they act like you should leave.
You walk into the living room because your own room is beginning to feel like a prison. When they see you, they pointedly stop the conversation, look at each other, and wait until you awkwardly walk away to begin the conversation again. Prison is nice, you suppose.
18. You're ALWAYS the asshole.
Excuse my language, but really, this is the case. They are never in the wrong. Did they steal your significant other? Did they ruin your best shirt? Did they throw you under the bus at work? Did you actually get onto them for misbehaving? Did you ACTUALLY say
no?! Well then, maybe
you made them do it. The fact that you even have the
audacity to tell them they're wrong, is wrong. This is EXACTLY why they are innocent. Because of your way of thinking. It's so me, me,
me. Jeez.
19. You are there purely for their convenience.
This is basically something you acknowledge and agree to upon entering the roommate, parent/child relationship. If they are sick, you are to take care of them. If they are hungry, you are to feed them. If they need money, you are to "loan" it to them. If they are lonely, you are to cuddle them. If they are bored, you are to entertain them. If they have some type of heartbreak, you are to listen to them for hours and days on end. If they need to go somewhere, you are to take them. You are the scapegoat, the wingman, the protector, the provider. You must have their backs at all times, and not hold it against them if they lash out at you. Any requests for quiet time, or alone time will result in blank stares and accusations of number 18.
20. They force you into being the responsible one.
In both my roommate, and parent/child relationships, I have started off thinking how much FUN it was going to be. We would be best friends! Any qualms would be rationally discussed and mutually resolved. Screaming, note writing, or harsh disagreements were for
other people, not us. The other party was COMPLETELY rational and trustworthy. I could remain my lighthearted, smiling, Positive Polly self. How disillusioned I was. Bills must be paid, and while they do not understand the mathematics behind coming up with that money, I do. When they blow money on things they don't need, the bill remains. Someone must bite the bullet and pay. If it were a game of chicken, I would be the one to swerve, rather than collide head first into a plume of stubbornness and blame, and lack of responsibility. Jumping off a bridge would be super fun and adrenaline rushing, but shouldn't we check the ropes first? Having a roommate forces you to grow up, and having kids teaches you to be silly, but in a responsible way. Sure, lets blow bubbles in the house for two hours, but you learn to understand that if you don't clean up after, knees will get bruises, bubbles are slippery.
All in all, I don't regret anything about living with the neanderthals. Every late fee, every hangover, every fight, every heartbreak, every sleepless night, every mess, every hug has led me to where I am today. And I'll admit that while the constant messes and battling is stressful, and tear inducing, for a split second, I close my eyes, let out my breath, and admit that it's the happiest disaster I'll ever be in. And this is EXACTLY where I want to be.
